Why are you saying "yes" when you want to say "no"?
Why are you saying "no" when you really want to say "yes"?
People pleasing lives near the top of my 'why' list. Right under self-doubt, directly above fear and fear of judgement - from myself, from others. Maybe that's true for you, too. If you think, "She'll be SO mad if I don't ..." or "What will they think?" This post will change your life if you let it.
Ultimately, when we don't say and do what we want to say and do, we're lying. We're lying to other people and we're lying to ourselves.
And what's our grand prize for lying? Comfort and safety and acceptance. Pretty understandable why we keep up this pattern of lying then, yeah? Feeling uncomfortable and unsafe and unaccepted doesn't feel good. In fact, it often feels downright terrifying. Our brain thinks those feelings mean our very existence is at stake. Seriously.
When you're presented with a longing or a want and you think about going for it and IMMEDIATELY those feelings of fear and doubt come up, I want you to understand why. AND I want you to have compassion with yourself in those moments. But. And this is a big but. If you want to grow, if you want to live authentically, the process is this: recognize the fear, understand why you're feeling that way (your brain is trying to keep you alive) and you say yes anyway.
The alternative is we keep trading our dreams for safety and comfort and acceptance. We keep trading our authenticity for safety and comfort and acceptance. We keep thinking that someday, we'll feel more confident and THEN we'll make the decision to go after our dreams. If you're waiting for comfort to change, you're going to be waiting forever. It doesn't work like that - discomfort IS the currency to your dreams, as Brooke Castillo says.
The real cost of not pursuing what we most want is a lifetime of regret, resentment, and the persistent question of "what if..."
I'll be totally honest. Your growth will alienate some people. They won't understand. They'll judge you. Let them be wrong about you. You never could control what they thought about you in the first place. You never could.
And by the way, they've always been judging you anyway. Might as well go be your big, bad authentic self. The life that seems absolutely impossible right now. That life is available to you on the other side of you saying yes when you want to say yes and no when you want to say no.
You can do it, I can help. It's beyond scary, especially when it involves saying 'no' to family members, spouses and long-time friends. There was a time last year when I told a family member the truth about how often I wanted to communicate with them. I got off the phone and immediately broke out into hives. For a week. I survived, and felt incredibly empowered, despite my hives. And our relationship is better for it now. I no longer feel resentful when I talk with them! You can make those same changes, too, even if it feels impossible now. Your biggest, most authentic life is waiting for you. Where do you want to be a year from now? Tired of the lying? Want to step into your most powerful self so you can create the life of your dreams? Step into the next version of you who feels the fear and does it anyway by hopping on a call.